Give me the bottle

Spoonfuls??? no...i have been taking a whole damn bottle daily.

I dunno my mood of late hasnt been that great, been stewing on things, making mountains of molehills, and being a complete bitch...all because i feel wronged/hard done-by and he isnt being fair.

Sometimes i just cant see reason, it takes time for me to get my head adjusted to his reasoning's, and then i get infuriated with him because he cant see my point of view..the irony at the time lost on me that im actually not even prepared to see his.

Then when it does all 'click' usually after a lot of reflection on my part, sometimes i need to get there on my own (with some helpful insights, thank you),  i feel guilty that i have indeed been such a bitch.....its my mouth that gets me in the most trouble, more specifically engaging it before thinking through......spending long periods of time in a gag...one would think i would be cured of this.....sometimes i just dont learn the easy way.

On my soapbox

Many bloggers that i follow have wrote posts at some point touching on the subject of the difference between abuse and D/s, and indeed what could be considered abuse in a D/s relationship, im pretty sure i have wrote about it myself a while back.

I think what is important however to bear in mind when broaching this subject is that often what could be perceived as abusive isnt necessarily the case....just because one might read something that they find disturbing and have the opinion "oh we dont and wouldnt do that!" doesnt mean its abuse!

So when i come across a blog (been browsing blogs i dont follow) that writes an account of what they deem to be an abusive relationship and some of the points they make to emphasise that its abusive behaviour are in fact things that do occur in my relationship....it pisses me off quite frankly.

I like having my face slapped, it makes me all hot and wet, someone else may not like it, may not even agree with it and thats ok..coz hey we're all different right?

I thrive on being controlled, i need it, perhaps its a level of control someone else might think is too much, think its suffocating, and thats ok coz hey we're all different right?

I absolutely get that sometimes it hard to understand what goes on in other peoples relationships, heck i cant get my head around the concept of 'adult babies' or is it 'littles', i just dont 'get it' and its not for me, but i dont think its abusive, im not going to be writing anytime soon about warning people off that type of relationship or doing those things...because we dont do that!

Off my soapbox.

Being grateful

Yes i am so very grateful that he observed "see you can be good" , it took every inch of willpower to keep the sarcastic thought running in my head from spouting out of my mouth, so i gulped down a mug of coffee instead, silently fuming.

Im still fuming, even though he allowed me an orgasm earlier....guess i should be grateful for that as well.

Sometimes i think this whole being good is over-rated....when i am, i shouldnt expect acknowledgement, because well the reward is in knowing that im being pleasing and obedient...but yet when im not good....thats always picked up on and acknowedged.

*sigh* im going to vent my frustration out on cleaning the bathroom.

The things we say or dont say

Back to rambling, posting 2 kink sessions on a trot is a rarity for me, in all fairness though they are the exceptions to the rule..sessions like those.....besides the appeal to go into all that isnt there anymore, the blog has sort of moved on.

Its funny how relationships shift, change direction and sometimes it happens without it really being a big deal, its not noticeable rather it just evolves that way naturally.

S/m used to be so very important to me, to both of us, and for sure we both still enjoy it but its not as a big a deal as it used to be, it can be weeks, sometimes much longer before we have a 'heavy' s/m session, although there are moments that yes i do crave a good beating, i dont as much as i used to.

Something he said to me recently bothered me, i was pestering him for a caning, started off hinting to being very blunt and begging outright for one, he quipped "is that all I am to you, someone to hurt you?" ok so i know he said it in jest or at least i hope so, but its played on my mind.

Actually that, what he said hurt me, maybe im just being overly sensitive and doing the usual over analysing, and i know im not one for expressing how i feel especially when it comes to letting him know how i feel about him, i take it for granted that he knows and thats good enough.

But then he isnt actually great at it either, he is quite stoic, he isnt an easy man to get close to.

He can be quite 'cold' in his bluntness, we had been together perhaps a year or so and i recall him making it very clear to me that im his slave first and foremost, not his lover, friend or partner, my main purpose is to be obedient and pleasing..yeah im going to be having that etched on my gravestone!

That harshly put me right in my place, leaving no misunderstanding to where i stood.

I suppose from my point of view i see him as my Master before anything else...but

something shifted with us in the last couple of years, i cant say what exactly, maybe dare i say it we are 'comfortable' with us and how we work.

I do love him very much as a man, i enjoy the kink, but would give it all up tomorrow as long as i had his control...that i freely admit i do need and i know he needs to give it, i also know he loves me too,  we dont say it to each other very often...its just not the way we are.

So dear Master, what you are to me is everything i need and want, always will be.

Captain Hook

Reading over at Misty's blog http://submissiontosubmissive.blogspot.co.uk/2013/10/help-me-out.html where the discussion was talking about implements, restraints to buy etc, the anal hook came up.

http://www.extremerestraints.com/bizarre-butt-plugs_7/the-anal-hook_2029.html

You only have to type anal hook into google images to see the ways in which it can be used, its great fun when incorporated into a bondage session, i wouldnt say its painful, perhaps uncomfortable, stimulating definitely.

I said i would ponder over writing about a session Master and i had with the hook, so yeah well i will try to give it justice....because i know it can look a bit intimidating but it is really fun...ok that might depend on how you define fun lol

Master had me standing, arms apart and stretched up, my hands secured to a bar on the suspension rig, a spreader bar attached to my ankles, i enjoy this particular form of bondage because im completely exposed to him, vulnerable to whatever he decides to do to me.  He inserted the anal hook (plenty of lube) and threaded rope through the loop at the top of it, tying the other end of the rope to the bar where my hands were secured....so the effect is somewhat of being impaled onto it.

I still have some movement, but what movement i can make makes me very aware of the hook, there is no forgetting its there, and its a nice sensation, different to butt plugs, although im struggling to define how.

He starts with a flogger, working it over my body, not overly hard, sensual more than anything, naturally i move my body, aroused, and the instinct is to try to 'fuck' the anal hook, which is near on impossible they way im secured.

Its uncomfortable at first, niggly, and i find the sensation is similar to having an itch that you want to scratch but cant reach it so every movement is torment.

After the flogging he removes the spreader bar from my ankles, so i have more movement, and its an odd feeling because other than my hands being secured above me, its like im balancing/swinging on the anal hook, i can use my movements to manipulate the hook a bit more.

He picks up a whip now, striking me hard on the back, unexpected i jolt forward as much as is possible, but the hook makes it presence very aware now, not painful but niggly enough to make me want to keep as still as i can...its funny how i have gone from wanting movement but not being able to move how i wanted...to having more movement but trying to keep it steady.

Just to be even more mean, he adds nipple clamps and weights, so now i have even more reason to want to try and keep still, which naturally he is going to ensure thats not going to happen, the whipping continues, im aroused by the sensations of the hook movement and its sort of balancing out between pain/pleasure.

Yeah great fun....hmm been too long since the hook has come out to play...i think im going to have to go do some begging.

The air that i breathe..is yours

From the draft folder....July 2010

Im naked when he cuffs my hands behind my back, then he puts the full rubber hood on me, encasing me in darkness, just 2 thin nasal tubes to breathe through, he leads me to a chair, legs apart, secures me to it, im nervous, scared, excited.

Whap something strikes my tit, i think the riding crop?  not expecting it, i jolt as much as i can in the restraints, and he starts a pattern, the blows going from one tit to another and it hurts, im trying not to cry out but its too much.

He stops, im panting, trying to keep my breathing regular, its more difficult with this hood because its so restricting just being able to breathe through the nose, he's waiting, i think for me to compose myself, for my breathing to settle down.

His hand grabs my tit, and then there is just this sharp pain as the needle pierces my skin, then another and another..on and on, he pinches my nipples, i know whats coming, im not keen on needles in my nipples, my breathing gets heavier, im whimpering, the hood doesnt make me very clear so im not sure if he can hear me asking, pleading for him not to.

He pushes the needle through and i scream, im starting to panic now, all these senses, the stimulation too much, his hand reaches between my legs, i hear him chuckle...i know..im dripping, he rubs and im so close....just a little bit more..please

But his hand pulls away, i sigh, irritated, and his hand goes to my other nipple, i can do this, well i dont have a choice, through the needle goes, i scream again, surely he will give me release now!

I cant breath, he has grabbed the nasal tubes, squeezing them, his other hand between my legs, he lets go of the tubes, i let out a breath before he squeezes them again, release, squeeze, rubbing over and over before i climax.

He removes the hood, i look down, the needles look so good, especially the blood, god i love the blood, especially as he removes them and it trickles down, i prefer to remove them myself..im just more gentle!  plus i do get a kick out of it....its almost as good as when they go in.

When they are removed he stands, his cock thrusts into my mouth, eagerly i lick, im ready to cum again, im struggling to take it all, but he isnt concerned, even when im pretty sure im going to be sick, im really not getting this deepthroating to come together....but im working on it.....he pulls out, im pretty sure i dont look a pretty sight, drooling, coughing and spluttering before he rams it back in, his cum shooting down my throat.

Yeah i think i could get to like breath play.




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Being obedient and pleasing.

Those are his expectations of me, they always have been from day one, they are the embodiment of which everything else is based around in my submission to him, and i really do try to focus on this, especially when i struggle....and as much as i dont like to admit it when something is not going the way i want or think it should be.

Lil's post got me thinking http://submissivesanctuary.blogspot.co.uk/2013/09/be-careful-what-you-wish-for.html?zx=cac16c4c3f396cfe , triggered by the thought of how one adjusts to submitting to our Dominants, how one adapts to our idea of being submissive and submitting to them when it isnt in align with what they want and expect.

I would like to say nearly 8 years on from being with Master im well past this and well adjusted, not balking at his instructions, not seeking loopholes to get out of something i dont want to do etc but well i would be deluding myself.

Today is a prime example he said "I think you need more pumps" in respect of the inflatable butt plug (which is inserted every day)..now my logic is....

i chose to interpret this as not being an actual order or instruction, he is merely stating what he thinks, so therefore its not something i have to comply with...so i wont...thats my train of thought at that time.

But i would be failing at 'being pleasing' , deep down i know this....oh who am i trying to kid..not deep down..damn it yes i know it, but there is that part of me still that on occasion will look for a loophole..and i saw one in this situation, i could argue that he wasnt specific..an "I think" isnt a "I want you to....." is it?

Oh and i know him well enough by now to know his response without the need for him to say it....he will point out that my focus was on myself, because i didnt want anymore pumps because i dont like it.  So although technically i wouldnt be specifically disobeying him i wouldnt be pleasing him either, i would be pleasing myself and attempting to manipulate the situation to my advantage.

It never ends well, i certainly dont get any sense of victory out of this behaviour  so one would think...well why the bloody hell do it then? because one thing i do know (not think) is that the man just doesnt allow me to get away with it, he is strict and unyielding...and this is what i craved, wanted all those years ago.

Its what i got.

Which is all very good..until moments when i dont want it..but it is simply the way it is.