a post thats well just because i need to try to get my jumbled thoughts down, and hopefully avoid confrontation, i dont want to fight against him.
You know when you feel like its not going to take much to send you over the edge into a full on emotional outburst (or as he would call them stroppy tantrums)? well thats how im feeling.
Im putting it down to being tired, this week at work had been draining, staff shortages, and the new intake in the reception class has 5 children that identify as special needs and they all need to be assessed so their needs can be met, and it would be ok if it wasnt for the amount of stupid paperwork that goes with it....and the reality is the government is cracking down hard on funding and i know at least 2 of the children will not qualify...telling their parents that is difficult, it inevitably leads to the questions of "why is so-so's child eligible and mines not, etc etc"...its understandable
For once im glad he is busy, distracted, im getting on with what needs to be done, going through the motions, and thats about it. I have these thoughts going on in my head, im feeling resentful, pissed off, ....certainly not in the right frame of mind to sit and talk about it rationally...if anything its a 'im not giving in without a fight' mood...and that never ends well....for me.
and i feel like my masochist button has been switched off, i dont want, desire any pain at all, and i have been feeling like this for over a week now, kept it to myself...yeah i know i preach about talking things through....well i dont want to talk about it.
Normally it doesnt take much to entice me, the mere suggestion of pain..instead of carrot being dangled in front of a donkey with me it would be the cane and im responsive, ususally im begging for pain, its my go-to, my 'pick-me-up'.
im a bit concerned about this, not felt like this before, not where im just not on any level wanting it, i feel like there is a part of me that has been blocked, locked up...not sure if that makes any sense at all.
Saturday, 14 September 2013
Friday, 13 September 2013
Not that im superstitious...
Yay its Friday...that was my first thought on waking up.
Its been a long day, finished work, picked up my friends 2 year old that im looking after whilst she has a much needed date night with her husband, and had an argument with the pram.
Trying to get the damn thing folded to go in the car!....bloody hell what is it with the modern fancy prams..i swear one needs an engineering degree to get the damn thing folded, meanwhile the toddler is emptying my handbag all over the pavement.
Finally get home, where my son informs me that he is going to New York with his girlfriend in March....thats a battle i think i will save for tomorrow...something to look forward to...not.
and to top it off, i get home to find we have run out of coffee and the take-away i was planning to order from has shut for the night due to staff illness.
oh yes it is Friday the 13th isnt it.
Its been a long day, finished work, picked up my friends 2 year old that im looking after whilst she has a much needed date night with her husband, and had an argument with the pram.
Trying to get the damn thing folded to go in the car!....bloody hell what is it with the modern fancy prams..i swear one needs an engineering degree to get the damn thing folded, meanwhile the toddler is emptying my handbag all over the pavement.
Finally get home, where my son informs me that he is going to New York with his girlfriend in March....thats a battle i think i will save for tomorrow...something to look forward to...not.
and to top it off, i get home to find we have run out of coffee and the take-away i was planning to order from has shut for the night due to staff illness.
oh yes it is Friday the 13th isnt it.
Thursday, 12 September 2013
Little Miss goody two shoes.
Thats what my mate called me, in a teasing manner.
Im pretty sure the bossman would not agree with that assessment lol...come to that, i dont agree with it either.
I did wander though if thats the impression i give off to them.
I dont think i come off as prim and proper, or a prude, (oh if only they knew!) but because of the nature of my relationship with the bossman there are circumstances that do make me uncomfortable, i dont partake in conversations that involve moaning about our other halfs, putting them down etc, and i wont engage in behaviour that he wouldnt approve of....even if he would never know....(which sometimes is their argument)
I would know.
There was a time that i worried that he would get bored of having an obedient slave, where would the challenge be in having someone that did as they were told all the time?....not that i needed to worry because umm yeah i have had my moments, and im sure there will be more of them..but ok yes admittingly those moments dont occur very often at all.
Because its about respect, respecting his values, and he values obedience, and its about trust, i trust him to have authority and control over me.
I certainly wouldnt like it if he was slack in his dominance/control, i need him to be firm and unyielding, even when i think i dont want that..but thats probably when i need it most, if i want to thrive in his control, as i do, then its reasonable that its to be expected that i dont slack in my submission, my obedience to him.
He doesnt find my being obedient boring, he doesnt want his every decision, instruction etc challenged..its ebb and flow....i want/need/love his control and he wants/needs/loves to provide it.
Miss goody two shoes? no far from it.
A woman that desires to please, to be controlled, to thrive under his ownership, to be 'pulled back into line' when i need it? yes.
Im pretty sure the bossman would not agree with that assessment lol...come to that, i dont agree with it either.
I did wander though if thats the impression i give off to them.
I dont think i come off as prim and proper, or a prude, (oh if only they knew!) but because of the nature of my relationship with the bossman there are circumstances that do make me uncomfortable, i dont partake in conversations that involve moaning about our other halfs, putting them down etc, and i wont engage in behaviour that he wouldnt approve of....even if he would never know....(which sometimes is their argument)
I would know.
There was a time that i worried that he would get bored of having an obedient slave, where would the challenge be in having someone that did as they were told all the time?....not that i needed to worry because umm yeah i have had my moments, and im sure there will be more of them..but ok yes admittingly those moments dont occur very often at all.
Because its about respect, respecting his values, and he values obedience, and its about trust, i trust him to have authority and control over me.
I certainly wouldnt like it if he was slack in his dominance/control, i need him to be firm and unyielding, even when i think i dont want that..but thats probably when i need it most, if i want to thrive in his control, as i do, then its reasonable that its to be expected that i dont slack in my submission, my obedience to him.
He doesnt find my being obedient boring, he doesnt want his every decision, instruction etc challenged..its ebb and flow....i want/need/love his control and he wants/needs/loves to provide it.
Miss goody two shoes? no far from it.
A woman that desires to please, to be controlled, to thrive under his ownership, to be 'pulled back into line' when i need it? yes.
Monday, 9 September 2013
A question of asking for what you want
Although there is no guarantee you will get it anyway!
"how do you overcome the difficulty of asking for things, its so embarrrasing"
Im not very patient, im also not very good at being still, i like anticipation but not when its dragged out, i still fall into a trap of wanting it now! unless its something i dont want of course lol....and i still have times of wanting to be dominated how and when i want it when im in the mood.
Oddly enough he doesnt like being told what to do, yeah dominants do seem to take issue of being told how to dominate..really wouldnt recommend trying it.
However that doesnt mean they dont want to know what we want, they do, or they should do in my mind....and due to lack of mind reading skills it means talking to them, opening up, it might be uncomfortable, it has been for me, i have been embarrassed about expressing my desires, what will he think of me!
Never has he made me feel like im a wierdo, even when i have thought it about myself, that the desires i have had and still have are wrong, eventually he has coaxed them out of me, got me to admit that i like things that previously i have protested i really dont like because i havent wanted to admit that i like xyz.
He doesnt like me keeping my thoughts, desires, needs etc from him, this blog (which he originally set up for me, and i was less than enthusiastic about) has been really useful, especially in the beginning because it was easier for me to write about what i wanted rather than have to spell it out face to face...the blog is a useful tool for both of us....it brings about discussion, and im long past worrying about what he might think about what i write...initally i was wary because i was concious of him reading it, now i dont think about it, i cant because it would effect what i write. Honestly i would always recommend the benefits of the 'other half' reading your blog...they learn about you, what you think etc...more than you realise.
Ok, im rambling off in a different direction, get back on track tori!
Asking is or can be difficult, but by not asking you are holding back from them, denying them all of you, if you want to be dominated in the way you want and like, they need to know what you want and like, it might not mean you get it that instant but for them its knowledge and knowledge as is often said is power.
What they know about you, all of you is the most effective 'tool' they can have in their arsenal, not in any way to use against you but to tap into your desires, simply put the better they know you, the better they can effectively dominate you..and thats what you want isnt it?
"how do you overcome the difficulty of asking for things, its so embarrrasing"
Im not very patient, im also not very good at being still, i like anticipation but not when its dragged out, i still fall into a trap of wanting it now! unless its something i dont want of course lol....and i still have times of wanting to be dominated how and when i want it when im in the mood.
Oddly enough he doesnt like being told what to do, yeah dominants do seem to take issue of being told how to dominate..really wouldnt recommend trying it.
However that doesnt mean they dont want to know what we want, they do, or they should do in my mind....and due to lack of mind reading skills it means talking to them, opening up, it might be uncomfortable, it has been for me, i have been embarrassed about expressing my desires, what will he think of me!
Never has he made me feel like im a wierdo, even when i have thought it about myself, that the desires i have had and still have are wrong, eventually he has coaxed them out of me, got me to admit that i like things that previously i have protested i really dont like because i havent wanted to admit that i like xyz.
He doesnt like me keeping my thoughts, desires, needs etc from him, this blog (which he originally set up for me, and i was less than enthusiastic about) has been really useful, especially in the beginning because it was easier for me to write about what i wanted rather than have to spell it out face to face...the blog is a useful tool for both of us....it brings about discussion, and im long past worrying about what he might think about what i write...initally i was wary because i was concious of him reading it, now i dont think about it, i cant because it would effect what i write. Honestly i would always recommend the benefits of the 'other half' reading your blog...they learn about you, what you think etc...more than you realise.
Ok, im rambling off in a different direction, get back on track tori!
Asking is or can be difficult, but by not asking you are holding back from them, denying them all of you, if you want to be dominated in the way you want and like, they need to know what you want and like, it might not mean you get it that instant but for them its knowledge and knowledge as is often said is power.
What they know about you, all of you is the most effective 'tool' they can have in their arsenal, not in any way to use against you but to tap into your desires, simply put the better they know you, the better they can effectively dominate you..and thats what you want isnt it?
Friday, 6 September 2013
How old am i?
Well im feeling a bit ashamed, i was rebuked by the bossman for wanting to know if i was better than his previous slaves, quite rightly he said its not a competition and we are all different....and i know that, i do.
I think better was and is the wrong term to use, but i picked up on his demeanour that this was not a conversation he was going to encourage and engage me in, and after the rebuke i dropped it.
I was dwelling on my last post (which i know i have comments to reply to, im getting there, they have given me food for thought) and this need to be everything he wants, i was looking for confirmation that i am.
Well i didnt get it.
But (of course there is a but) its no different to any normal relationship, where there is that curiosity about ones partners ex'es, isnt it normal to have that curiosity over what they were like? it is isnt it?....its like wanting to be told "yes the sex is better with you, its the best i have had" but then wandering if there only saying that to appease you.....well one things for sure i wouldnt get appeased with the bossman he would say it as it is.! wheras i want to know if they were more masochistic than me..i want to know if they could give him what he likes....maybe its best not knowing...i might not like the answer.
So why am i feeling like a scolded child?
because its childish i guess, i dont know, maybe its also not very dignifying (not sure if thats the word im looking for) and im thinking about greengirls comment on my last post and what she said about humility....which really got me thinking in relation to that post.
and i feel ashamed because wanting to question him and be told i am indeed better isnt very humble is it?
and really does it matter? no it doesnt, i know that.
I think better was and is the wrong term to use, but i picked up on his demeanour that this was not a conversation he was going to encourage and engage me in, and after the rebuke i dropped it.
I was dwelling on my last post (which i know i have comments to reply to, im getting there, they have given me food for thought) and this need to be everything he wants, i was looking for confirmation that i am.
Well i didnt get it.
But (of course there is a but) its no different to any normal relationship, where there is that curiosity about ones partners ex'es, isnt it normal to have that curiosity over what they were like? it is isnt it?....its like wanting to be told "yes the sex is better with you, its the best i have had" but then wandering if there only saying that to appease you.....well one things for sure i wouldnt get appeased with the bossman he would say it as it is.! wheras i want to know if they were more masochistic than me..i want to know if they could give him what he likes....maybe its best not knowing...i might not like the answer.
So why am i feeling like a scolded child?
because its childish i guess, i dont know, maybe its also not very dignifying (not sure if thats the word im looking for) and im thinking about greengirls comment on my last post and what she said about humility....which really got me thinking in relation to that post.
and i feel ashamed because wanting to question him and be told i am indeed better isnt very humble is it?
and really does it matter? no it doesnt, i know that.
Thursday, 5 September 2013
Mumbles of whats to come
The bossman has an itch that is looking to be scratched, i sensed it, then he confirmed it, sometimes his need to hurt me is overwhelming, most of the time s/m is mutual enjoyment, then there are times like these when i know im going to suffer a lot, it will be about him, the sadist needs to sated.
The children will stay with their dad, or their friends for a long weekend, so im completely at his mercy and im torn between being excited but apprehensive, fearful as well because i know him at these times, i know its going to be rough.
I do love it, i wont bullshit about that, i just dont at the time, not the pain...its going to be more than im comfortable with and thats what makes me nervous, i suppose what i love is is the whole being broken down, to be stripped of any dignity, using humiliation and degredation he will dehumanise me so im a blank canvas ready to be 'worked' on.
The last time seems such a long time ago, since we 'played' really hard, well it has been a long time...work, kids etc..it takes a lot out of me and him, and i know from experience that it will be ok, i will be ok afterwards when he is sated, i bask in the after-effects as i 'come down', i like before and i absolutley love the after its the inbetween.
It just makes me, (and i know it shouldnt) think that i wish i could be more than i am, in the respect of masochistic, because i cant handle him at his worst, i have never experienced him at his worst..this will be just a taste of how sadistic he could be, and to be fair i think he is ok with that, he has never said other wise...but i just feel that i should be able to give him everything he needs and wants...and i feel a let down because he has to hold back.
The children will stay with their dad, or their friends for a long weekend, so im completely at his mercy and im torn between being excited but apprehensive, fearful as well because i know him at these times, i know its going to be rough.
I do love it, i wont bullshit about that, i just dont at the time, not the pain...its going to be more than im comfortable with and thats what makes me nervous, i suppose what i love is is the whole being broken down, to be stripped of any dignity, using humiliation and degredation he will dehumanise me so im a blank canvas ready to be 'worked' on.
The last time seems such a long time ago, since we 'played' really hard, well it has been a long time...work, kids etc..it takes a lot out of me and him, and i know from experience that it will be ok, i will be ok afterwards when he is sated, i bask in the after-effects as i 'come down', i like before and i absolutley love the after its the inbetween.
It just makes me, (and i know it shouldnt) think that i wish i could be more than i am, in the respect of masochistic, because i cant handle him at his worst, i have never experienced him at his worst..this will be just a taste of how sadistic he could be, and to be fair i think he is ok with that, he has never said other wise...but i just feel that i should be able to give him everything he needs and wants...and i feel a let down because he has to hold back.
Monday, 2 September 2013
Obedience to authority
I have just finished reading a book about Stanley Milgram whom carried out experiments and research back in the 60's on obedience....im a nerd, social structures and why we behave the way we do interests me.
a quote from the book
"obedience is as basic an element in the structure of social life as one can point to"
Although the book, experiments and research is in no way related to D/s, obedience is, and its what motivates one to obey that interested me, why does one obey in situations that perhaps go against what they want, believe is right, or goes against their instinct?
We are all acountable to authority in some form, employers, law and the military comes to mind, but in relationships no, yet in M/s or as it is for me i am accountable to the bossmans authority, it means that in some situations i obey even though its not what i want, believe to be right and perhaps rarer goes against my instinct.
I accept his authority without question because i respect his integrity, i trust that he wouldnt ask anything of me that would intentionally be detrimental to me and us, my motivation to obey is because i know he values obedience.
Master does tend to have a very black and white outlook in this regard, with little ...well no room for manoeuvre...its simply "you either choose to obey or not" a 'not' results in consequences, and i am punished because by not obeying im not respecting his authority over me.
For me its not so black and white, not always, sometimes i will try to seek out a loophole, to explain my reasonings, i never as of yet got anywhere by doing this, my arguments have been shall we say very colourful at times, think 'the dog ate my homework' excuse lol
His black and white attitude, would annoy me, that he wouldnt listen to reason, that sometimes there are reasonable explanations for ones actions, dont get me wrong i would feel bad that i had disobeyed him, i dont get any benefit out of displeasing him.
But anyway reading this book, got me thinking, and applying what i read to our situation, if you think of those in the military..they take an oath to obey orders, recruits from day one are taught and trained to obey, immediatley and without question. I think its reasonable to say that sometimes they may have orders that they dont agree with, that they dont think are right..but they obey if they dont there are consequences.
That is what he expects and wants, its put this whole 'following blindly' logic in a different light, as i have questioned on occassion if thats a good thing, following blindly that is, its never really potrayed in a positive light, but yet if i trust him as i do, then really is it such a bad thing?
a quote from the book
"obedience is as basic an element in the structure of social life as one can point to"
Although the book, experiments and research is in no way related to D/s, obedience is, and its what motivates one to obey that interested me, why does one obey in situations that perhaps go against what they want, believe is right, or goes against their instinct?
We are all acountable to authority in some form, employers, law and the military comes to mind, but in relationships no, yet in M/s or as it is for me i am accountable to the bossmans authority, it means that in some situations i obey even though its not what i want, believe to be right and perhaps rarer goes against my instinct.
I accept his authority without question because i respect his integrity, i trust that he wouldnt ask anything of me that would intentionally be detrimental to me and us, my motivation to obey is because i know he values obedience.
Master does tend to have a very black and white outlook in this regard, with little ...well no room for manoeuvre...its simply "you either choose to obey or not" a 'not' results in consequences, and i am punished because by not obeying im not respecting his authority over me.
For me its not so black and white, not always, sometimes i will try to seek out a loophole, to explain my reasonings, i never as of yet got anywhere by doing this, my arguments have been shall we say very colourful at times, think 'the dog ate my homework' excuse lol
His black and white attitude, would annoy me, that he wouldnt listen to reason, that sometimes there are reasonable explanations for ones actions, dont get me wrong i would feel bad that i had disobeyed him, i dont get any benefit out of displeasing him.
But anyway reading this book, got me thinking, and applying what i read to our situation, if you think of those in the military..they take an oath to obey orders, recruits from day one are taught and trained to obey, immediatley and without question. I think its reasonable to say that sometimes they may have orders that they dont agree with, that they dont think are right..but they obey if they dont there are consequences.
That is what he expects and wants, its put this whole 'following blindly' logic in a different light, as i have questioned on occassion if thats a good thing, following blindly that is, its never really potrayed in a positive light, but yet if i trust him as i do, then really is it such a bad thing?
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)