The right to live without fear.
International womens day is today and i wanted to mark it in some way.
Fear can sometimes be healthy, i admit to being afraid of him in certain circumstances, most notably when we engage in s/m...its a fear that turns me on..but i know im safe. But this is not the type of fear i mean.
This is an example of fear, that no woman, girl should have.
An 11-year-old girl has written a heartbreaking letter pleading with a charity to help her avoid genital mutilation.
She writes her 12-year-old sister had been cut by her aunt without her parent's knowledge - and she fears she will suffer the same fate.
She adds: "I really hope you can help me, not to have my private cut."
The unidentified girl, who moved to England in 2005 from Gambia, is just one of 24,000 who are at risk of female genital mutilation (FGM) all over the UK.
Her sister had been taken to her grandmother's house in Gambia, west Africa for the procedure. She had been afraid to report the crime because she was told "if she ever tells anyone the sprits will come and kill her immediately" (sic).
In the letter to charity Equality Now, the young girl writes how her sister had burst into tears while watching a TV program on African culture. She then told her teacher about it who - mistakenly - told the young girl to write to the charity instead of alerting the police.
Girls from the ages of four to 14 are subjected to FGM in the belief that it makes them more marriageable. The practice is common in some African countries and among the African diaspora in the UK and varies in extremes - from the removal of the labia to the excision of all of the external part of the genitalia and the stitching of the vaginal opening. The procedure is normally carried out by women with little or no medical training who uses the most basic of tools with no anesthesia.
The act is commonly mislabeled as a cultural practice but is called child abuse by anti-FGM campaigners and has been illegal in Britain since 1985.
Efua Dorkenoo, director of Equality Now, told the 'Evening Standard' teachers and other child workers need to be aware of the practice and alert the police.
She said: “As with other forms of child abuse, teachers need to be alert to, and report, all evidence of emotional or physical pain, missed classes from school, or any of the other common indicators of FGM. If they and other frontline professionals do this, we will get prosecutions and come closer to ending this horrific abuse.”
David Cameron is to allocate millions of pounds of Britain's foreign aid to eradicate FGM - making it the largest investment to wipe out the practice which affects 150million women worldwide. There are more than 100,000 FGM survivors living in the UK.
Friday, 8 March 2013
Wednesday, 6 March 2013
A long, really long one
then i will catch up on comments.
I begged him to let me be his slave, i really wanted to give tpe a go, i believed i was ready and he did question me in depth to be be sure that this is what i wanted, he stressed that if i made this choice then there needed to be an understanding that on making this decision i was giving him total control, to make choices, decisions on my behalf. I was giving up the right to say no to him, to hold back from him...he would have my total submission, i would be his completley.
He had his concerns, doubts that i really didnt understand what i was asking from him, but i persisted, being honest i think i wanted it so much because i believed if i didnt beg for it then i would lose him, i didnt see the bigger picture, the extent to which he would exert his control over me.
The kinky aspects, the great sex, the living out of fantasies, the s/m, even the things i love to hate are all wanderful and exciting, but they are so very much the easier aspects of M/s, and i only started realising that much later, after he agreed to my enslavement and our pursuing of tpe.
A few years ago (during the period i stopped blogging) we ran into problems, or rather i did which had a knock on effect on our relationship, it started when the enormity of tpe finally sunk in, when i didnt want to submit, it wasnt something i was interested in and i wasnt going to submit because i really believed he wouldnt make me..coz that would be abuse right? and this is all based on consent being given freely.
I thought i was well within my rights to refuse him, i argued that my feelings should be taken into account, i spouted crap about not being a bloody robot, i threw up things at him, and it was just one huge out of control temper tantrum.
What i wanted was to be submissive and to submit to whatever he asked as long as it excited me on some level, when it didnt i expected a 'free pass' and i thought i could manipulate him because well its said its the submissives that have the real power and i can always walk away.
And that is bollocks. He has all the power and i couldnt just walk away, and lets just assume for the sake of avoiding argument that this is a healthy M/s dynamic just to avoid stupid scenarios being put forward.
My argument was/is that its all very well talking the talk and listening but sometimes its only when your actually experiencing something that i genuinely learn and realise what his expectations would be and giving all, everything that i am is more than i thought! its when the more difficult times occur that the theory of what has been talked about is put into practice, and thats when it can potentially make or break the relationship.
I would get frustrated with him, pissed off that he wasnt able to see my point of view ie the argument i gave above, i insisted that it was unreasonable to expect certain things of me that i was not fully aware of, i just hadnt imagined every single scenario. I suppose to explain its like when your very new to ttwd and you dont really know what some of your limits might be, or indeed what you know you like and dont because you have no experience to draw from.
Back when we ran into this hurdle, i said some horrid things to him, things similar to that what has been said to me on here by anonymous comments...the not nice ones.
He reminded me that i made this choice (similiar to that post he made, for those that read it) and that enraged me further because it was like going around in circles, the whole conversation was not going in the way i expected, i expected him to give into me and he didnt.
I accused him of forcing me at times in a horrible way and i implied it in the sense of it being an abusive type of force (not the kind of force that is in a playful context), and he asked me to really think on that, has he ever forced me to submit in any way that i have truely, really detested and not wanted? and the answer is no, he has not....and he was so calm throughout.
Pushed me yes and there is a difference.
He is demanding and exact in what he wants and expects, thats just the way he is with me and well everything, he is blunt with his truths, firm and unyielding and completley unaffected by temper tantrums...and black and white with my submission...i either want to obey or i dont, a dont has consequences the worst being his releasing me, he does not expect perfection but he does expect willingness.
In his favour its not like this is all new to him, he has been doing this a long time and i hadnt, (oh and he got that thrown up at him as well when i attempted the "im new to this and your not being easy with me and taking that into consideration" rubbish) ....when i go off on one i tend to do it big time! and he knows how to handle it, to handle me.
When the realisation started sinking in that i had no 'get out', he wouldnt allow me one, it was like a huge release and it started getting easier, we moved past that gradually.
and i thought it was past, well moved on from that, until recentley these old thoughts started creeping back in, and my first mistake was to keep them to myself and not bring them to his attention and consequently they got out of control.
and thats where i am now.
I begged him to let me be his slave, i really wanted to give tpe a go, i believed i was ready and he did question me in depth to be be sure that this is what i wanted, he stressed that if i made this choice then there needed to be an understanding that on making this decision i was giving him total control, to make choices, decisions on my behalf. I was giving up the right to say no to him, to hold back from him...he would have my total submission, i would be his completley.
He had his concerns, doubts that i really didnt understand what i was asking from him, but i persisted, being honest i think i wanted it so much because i believed if i didnt beg for it then i would lose him, i didnt see the bigger picture, the extent to which he would exert his control over me.
The kinky aspects, the great sex, the living out of fantasies, the s/m, even the things i love to hate are all wanderful and exciting, but they are so very much the easier aspects of M/s, and i only started realising that much later, after he agreed to my enslavement and our pursuing of tpe.
A few years ago (during the period i stopped blogging) we ran into problems, or rather i did which had a knock on effect on our relationship, it started when the enormity of tpe finally sunk in, when i didnt want to submit, it wasnt something i was interested in and i wasnt going to submit because i really believed he wouldnt make me..coz that would be abuse right? and this is all based on consent being given freely.
I thought i was well within my rights to refuse him, i argued that my feelings should be taken into account, i spouted crap about not being a bloody robot, i threw up things at him, and it was just one huge out of control temper tantrum.
What i wanted was to be submissive and to submit to whatever he asked as long as it excited me on some level, when it didnt i expected a 'free pass' and i thought i could manipulate him because well its said its the submissives that have the real power and i can always walk away.
And that is bollocks. He has all the power and i couldnt just walk away, and lets just assume for the sake of avoiding argument that this is a healthy M/s dynamic just to avoid stupid scenarios being put forward.
My argument was/is that its all very well talking the talk and listening but sometimes its only when your actually experiencing something that i genuinely learn and realise what his expectations would be and giving all, everything that i am is more than i thought! its when the more difficult times occur that the theory of what has been talked about is put into practice, and thats when it can potentially make or break the relationship.
I would get frustrated with him, pissed off that he wasnt able to see my point of view ie the argument i gave above, i insisted that it was unreasonable to expect certain things of me that i was not fully aware of, i just hadnt imagined every single scenario. I suppose to explain its like when your very new to ttwd and you dont really know what some of your limits might be, or indeed what you know you like and dont because you have no experience to draw from.
Back when we ran into this hurdle, i said some horrid things to him, things similar to that what has been said to me on here by anonymous comments...the not nice ones.
He reminded me that i made this choice (similiar to that post he made, for those that read it) and that enraged me further because it was like going around in circles, the whole conversation was not going in the way i expected, i expected him to give into me and he didnt.
I accused him of forcing me at times in a horrible way and i implied it in the sense of it being an abusive type of force (not the kind of force that is in a playful context), and he asked me to really think on that, has he ever forced me to submit in any way that i have truely, really detested and not wanted? and the answer is no, he has not....and he was so calm throughout.
Pushed me yes and there is a difference.
He is demanding and exact in what he wants and expects, thats just the way he is with me and well everything, he is blunt with his truths, firm and unyielding and completley unaffected by temper tantrums...and black and white with my submission...i either want to obey or i dont, a dont has consequences the worst being his releasing me, he does not expect perfection but he does expect willingness.
In his favour its not like this is all new to him, he has been doing this a long time and i hadnt, (oh and he got that thrown up at him as well when i attempted the "im new to this and your not being easy with me and taking that into consideration" rubbish) ....when i go off on one i tend to do it big time! and he knows how to handle it, to handle me.
When the realisation started sinking in that i had no 'get out', he wouldnt allow me one, it was like a huge release and it started getting easier, we moved past that gradually.
and i thought it was past, well moved on from that, until recentley these old thoughts started creeping back in, and my first mistake was to keep them to myself and not bring them to his attention and consequently they got out of control.
and thats where i am now.
Tuesday, 5 March 2013
Well
Im struggling at the moment to remain focused, im slipping back into old habits that i thought i had long since moved on from....and i let it get on top of me rather than address it.
and well im English you know..that old stiff upper lip mentality....too proud to admit that i need help or rather simply just to admit that im finding things hard....because to admit so would be weak, and im acting out.
My tone has not been respectful, demanding what i think im entitled to.
and i dont listen very well...or rather i listen but i dont really listen.
and he only has so much patience when i get attitude.
I should not read more into what he says, he warned me he was and would be extremely busy and distracted and it had no bearing on us..i should trust what he says and believe in it.
and im sorry.
and well im English you know..that old stiff upper lip mentality....too proud to admit that i need help or rather simply just to admit that im finding things hard....because to admit so would be weak, and im acting out.
My tone has not been respectful, demanding what i think im entitled to.
and i dont listen very well...or rather i listen but i dont really listen.
and he only has so much patience when i get attitude.
I should not read more into what he says, he warned me he was and would be extremely busy and distracted and it had no bearing on us..i should trust what he says and believe in it.
and im sorry.
Monday, 4 March 2013
It came, i went and i did not conquer
I didnt do the 'talk' for work. I was throwing up with nerves this morning, a fellow teacher took sympathy on me when i turned up and she saw the state i was in and she did it for me...i feel a complete incompetent lousy failure.
Im not enjoying my job very much at all at the moment, its becoming more focused on reaching targets set by the government, mountains of pointless paperwork and children are treated as statistics, rather than being seen as the individuals they are.
Im not enjoying my job very much at all at the moment, its becoming more focused on reaching targets set by the government, mountains of pointless paperwork and children are treated as statistics, rather than being seen as the individuals they are.
Do i meet your expectations bossman? (a follow up)
The last post gave a blast into my past and well as its question and answer month which i did not know until reading lil's post, it seems apt to reflect on what was then to now as it was asked (see squirrel and joey, i can do as im told lol).
Im certainly more confident in my submission now, although i certainly dont think im naturally submissive, i am to him and thats whats important, its been an upward struggle and i havent always gone about things the easy way....and i still find it amazing that he has stood by me and perservered when i have resisted against him.
He isnt an easy man still to get close to, i know he loves me but its rarely expressed verbally, this is the longest relationship he has had so i can assume im doing something right lol, i make him happy and thats good enough....i more than make up for his lack of ability in displaying emotions apparently!
I dont think of his ex's in the respect of comparing myself to them, thats his past and this here and now is our future and things are great, i still want to pinch myself sometimes that im living this and i consider myself very lucky that i have him....even if sometimes he wanders what he let himself in for with me!
There are still times, more often than i like to admit that i dont think im giving him all that he wants/needs, but im more at ease with my masochism albeit its no match for his sadism the difference is now i seek it out and crave his cruelty whereas before it frightened me. He can be very emotionally detached when we have played hard which is something i still struggle with, he is quick to deal with physical aftercare (tending cuts etc) but well yeah i dont want to make him out to be a complete bastard but at times he has scared me with his coldness afterwards...tears and begging dont move him not in the sense of when its s/m based if anything they inspire and turn him on more.
I do always get cuddles and reassurance at bedtime.
I still get terribly insecure especially when he is really super busy which seems to be a lot, his work is very important to him and i respect that but it does get difficult for me to not work myself up and get demanding when its at these times he could really do without it.
I dont question his being faithful to me.....i think he rather likes being attached to his balls to much to go behind my back...besides if he wants a bit of variety he knows it would turn me on to watch him with another woman.
Im certainly more confident in my submission now, although i certainly dont think im naturally submissive, i am to him and thats whats important, its been an upward struggle and i havent always gone about things the easy way....and i still find it amazing that he has stood by me and perservered when i have resisted against him.
He isnt an easy man still to get close to, i know he loves me but its rarely expressed verbally, this is the longest relationship he has had so i can assume im doing something right lol, i make him happy and thats good enough....i more than make up for his lack of ability in displaying emotions apparently!
I dont think of his ex's in the respect of comparing myself to them, thats his past and this here and now is our future and things are great, i still want to pinch myself sometimes that im living this and i consider myself very lucky that i have him....even if sometimes he wanders what he let himself in for with me!
There are still times, more often than i like to admit that i dont think im giving him all that he wants/needs, but im more at ease with my masochism albeit its no match for his sadism the difference is now i seek it out and crave his cruelty whereas before it frightened me. He can be very emotionally detached when we have played hard which is something i still struggle with, he is quick to deal with physical aftercare (tending cuts etc) but well yeah i dont want to make him out to be a complete bastard but at times he has scared me with his coldness afterwards...tears and begging dont move him not in the sense of when its s/m based if anything they inspire and turn him on more.
I do always get cuddles and reassurance at bedtime.
I still get terribly insecure especially when he is really super busy which seems to be a lot, his work is very important to him and i respect that but it does get difficult for me to not work myself up and get demanding when its at these times he could really do without it.
I dont question his being faithful to me.....i think he rather likes being attached to his balls to much to go behind my back...besides if he wants a bit of variety he knows it would turn me on to watch him with another woman.
Sunday, 3 March 2013
An oldie for a Sunday afternoon
As i have a lot of posts in my drafts (100's) and im struggling with writers block i thought i might as well get some out of drafts folder and publish. I have some in drafts i wrote in the 3 year break i had from blogger. This one is from 2009 and just before i had took a break from blogger.
________________________________________________________________________________
My number of sexual partners is very small whereas with Master i dont know, he wont say and it irks me that he wont give me a figure, im guessing its a lot, he says he genuinely hasnt kept count its simply not important. His ex subs were more experienced than me, older than me and im not what he normally would look for, im not even sure im submissive enough for him, or that i can be....i just dont feel that im as submissive as some subs are, he says i shouldnt compare.
What i do know of his ex subs is not a great deal, he cared for them and thats evident in that some of them still occasionally keep in touch with him, he isnt a man that is easy to get close to not on an emotional level and sometimes thats difficult to deal with....quite reserved in fact, stoic and im bubbly...i think it gets too much for him...he is so damn stern.
From little bits i have picked up on over the last year or so i know some of them catered to his sadistic needs better than i do, he says im masochistic but im not sure certainly not enough to meet what he would like to dish out...sure he could if he wanted but it would be going way beyond what im able to handle, sometimes i feel that i sense his frustration that he has had to hold back.....and it saddens me that im not able to give him what he needs.
I should be able to give him whatever he wants, i want to please him.
No s/m isnt everything, he tells me my obedience and desire to please him is of more importance, they pretty much are the most important 'rules' in our relationship, im just feeling unsettled probably because he is just so busy and distracted its messing with my head, im creating problems that dont exist because im feeling insecure.
He has been so busy with work, been away working as well and whilst he was i came close to sending him a text asking him if he was fucking someone else! what stopped me was i know he would have been really disappointed in me for thinking it let alone asking it...because i know he isnt and wouldnt.
He wont approve of this post.
*now*
im not sure how i feel about what i wrote here, somethings have changed and some havent.
________________________________________________________________________________
My number of sexual partners is very small whereas with Master i dont know, he wont say and it irks me that he wont give me a figure, im guessing its a lot, he says he genuinely hasnt kept count its simply not important. His ex subs were more experienced than me, older than me and im not what he normally would look for, im not even sure im submissive enough for him, or that i can be....i just dont feel that im as submissive as some subs are, he says i shouldnt compare.
What i do know of his ex subs is not a great deal, he cared for them and thats evident in that some of them still occasionally keep in touch with him, he isnt a man that is easy to get close to not on an emotional level and sometimes thats difficult to deal with....quite reserved in fact, stoic and im bubbly...i think it gets too much for him...he is so damn stern.
From little bits i have picked up on over the last year or so i know some of them catered to his sadistic needs better than i do, he says im masochistic but im not sure certainly not enough to meet what he would like to dish out...sure he could if he wanted but it would be going way beyond what im able to handle, sometimes i feel that i sense his frustration that he has had to hold back.....and it saddens me that im not able to give him what he needs.
I should be able to give him whatever he wants, i want to please him.
No s/m isnt everything, he tells me my obedience and desire to please him is of more importance, they pretty much are the most important 'rules' in our relationship, im just feeling unsettled probably because he is just so busy and distracted its messing with my head, im creating problems that dont exist because im feeling insecure.
He has been so busy with work, been away working as well and whilst he was i came close to sending him a text asking him if he was fucking someone else! what stopped me was i know he would have been really disappointed in me for thinking it let alone asking it...because i know he isnt and wouldnt.
He wont approve of this post.
*now*
im not sure how i feel about what i wrote here, somethings have changed and some havent.
Friday, 1 March 2013
The pleasure of denial
Fiona wrote a post on orgasm denial http://sirqandme.blogspot.co.uk/2013/02/my-wiring-and-orgasm-denial.html and it was interesting in reading the responses and for many less orgasms equates to wanting less and im deducing feeling like sex less?, i think im in the minority in that orgasm denial plays a part in our dynamic.
For me its about the control, he owns me and therefore my body, he decides when and if i get pleasure in the form of sexual release, orgasm control isnt just about being deprived full stop, it can mean being teased for a time, being brought to the edge continuously and denied, it makes me wild, i buck and scream, beg for release, the intensity of it leaves me exhausted, sweaty and so desperate and at his mercy.....ahh but when release is given its damn well better than the usual orgasms.
Sometimes i do get denied for longer periods of times, the longest i have been denied is approx. 2 months it was punishment for bringing myself to orgasm without permission (he does like making a punishment fit the crime!) and it was horrid. But it was horrid because it was a punishment, it was a harsh way of putting me in my place, a reminder that my body is not mine to do as i like.
There have been other times its been long periods (weeks) simply because its pleased him to keep me wanting, and thats the effect it has on me rather than making me lose interest it feeds my desire, and mentally i get off on the control. That is my biggest turn on..being controlled.
However its not always like that, its just when the mood strikes him, more often than not he enjoys having me orgasm, sometimes it goes completely the other way and im over stimulated and being brought to orgasm over and over again can sound really great...but it can also be painful and im begging for no more.
Most importantly for me in respect of orgasm control, whatever form it might take is that it excites me, that my pleasure is controlled by him and thats a huge aphrodisiac.
For me its about the control, he owns me and therefore my body, he decides when and if i get pleasure in the form of sexual release, orgasm control isnt just about being deprived full stop, it can mean being teased for a time, being brought to the edge continuously and denied, it makes me wild, i buck and scream, beg for release, the intensity of it leaves me exhausted, sweaty and so desperate and at his mercy.....ahh but when release is given its damn well better than the usual orgasms.
Sometimes i do get denied for longer periods of times, the longest i have been denied is approx. 2 months it was punishment for bringing myself to orgasm without permission (he does like making a punishment fit the crime!) and it was horrid. But it was horrid because it was a punishment, it was a harsh way of putting me in my place, a reminder that my body is not mine to do as i like.
There have been other times its been long periods (weeks) simply because its pleased him to keep me wanting, and thats the effect it has on me rather than making me lose interest it feeds my desire, and mentally i get off on the control. That is my biggest turn on..being controlled.
However its not always like that, its just when the mood strikes him, more often than not he enjoys having me orgasm, sometimes it goes completely the other way and im over stimulated and being brought to orgasm over and over again can sound really great...but it can also be painful and im begging for no more.
Most importantly for me in respect of orgasm control, whatever form it might take is that it excites me, that my pleasure is controlled by him and thats a huge aphrodisiac.
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