Lil over at http://submissivesanctuary.blogspot.co.uk/2012/06/sometimes-i-like-it-just-because-i-dont.html?zx=7de62dcc322a4c33 wrote this and its a concept that struck a chord with me and its one of those subjects that people will get or wont.
I would not say i was bisexual, i dont as a rule find women a sexual turn on, i can appreciate a good looking women but feel no attraction, i have had sexual encounters with women but its been limited to giving them oral only...literally as in having my head shoved down there.
I think its a man thing in general the whole 2 women scenario, for Master its more than just witnessing the sexual act he enjoys my reluctance and distaste for giving a women oral sex, he knows its something i do because i want to please him and i have no say in the matter its not something i would choose to do, but yet i prefer it over giving a man (other than my Master) oral sex.
The first time he arranged for me to be with a women i was scared, anxious and certainly not looking forward to it, i had tried to get him to change his mind, i protested stroppily, i begged but he wasnt going to be moved. He tied me to a chair naked with my legs open and put a blindfold on me which im glad of, i needed the security of bondage and the loss of sight to be able to 'escape' into my head, it has the effect of calming me down somewhat.
Then i felt the women between my legs and my natural instinct was to try to prevent it but because of being restrained i couldnt and you just have to accept it because there is no other option, i wanted to hate it, i didnt want to be aroused but i was but in all fairness i was aroused before he started tying me to the chair, she succeeded in bringing me to orgasm which i know seems strange but i felt ashamed, i didnt want to like it. But i enjoy recieving oral sex and bottom line coming from a women or a man its the same thing, the only difference when Master does it to me is he obviously has the advantage of knowing how i like it and he will tease and torment etc.
My turn. This was what i was dreading the most, still blindfolded he untied me from the chair, put me onto all fours bent over and guided my head to between her legs..she was lying on the floor. Yuck! thats what i have to say about that, i know i have a pussy as well but ewww i dont like tasting myself and this was worse, i recall trying to pull my head away but he pushed and held me back down so i wasnt going anywhere.
So i resigned myself to the fact that i had to get on with it, and i tried ok not as enthusiastically as she had but this was my first time and she had plenty more experience than me and really enjoyed it, i was reluctant and uncomfortable, i think i lapped at it like an ice cream without putting any real thought into whether she was enjoying it or not. I dont know exactly how long he kept me down there perhaps around 10 mins before he let me up, he told me that he was pleased with me and asked the other women what she thought, i cant remember what she said it couldnt have been really bad as i have no doubt if that was the case my head would have been shoved right back down there....i think she actually felt a little sorry for me and even if she didnt enjoy it and thought it was crap she wouldnt have said so.
It was humiliating, degrading, and distasteful now i knew for sure that i didnt like it and i didnt but afterwards i was so turned on and when later that evening we discussed it and i told him that i didnt enjoy it, talking about it turned me on i couldnt keep my hands off him. The scenario as it was was a huge turn on, i was turned on by having no choice in what happened, having him hold me down between her legs until he was satisfied, the actual act of oral sex on her had nothing to do with it, it was the control over me that turned me on, that i would do something i dislike for him and knowing that he knows that, and also knowing he knows me better than i know myself, he told me all along i would get turned on by it but i adamantly refused to believe it.
There has been more encounters since then with other women, i still feel the same way that if i could i would not do it but the very fact that my voice in this matter bears no relevance and if he wants it it will happen is very arousing.
Tuesday, 26 June 2012
Monday, 25 June 2012
Short and sweet..well maybe not sweet
Sometimes they are just unfathomable and unreasonable.....and they say women are complicated!
Thats all i have to say about that.
Thats all i have to say about that.
Keeping it in check
These relationships tend to provoke the most intense emotions with the submissive putting the dominant on a pedestal to be worshipped, i guess its easy to get carried away with how wanderful our dominants are, they are the greatest, the best and to be swept away by how they make us feel and for the most part there is nothing wrong with this but sometimes there needs to be an injection of reality, to not let these intense feelings and ideas get out of hand whereby the submissives train of thoughts become blurred and its also what makes them vunerable and rash decisions and declarations are made because of the desperation to please.
You would think this applies just to the newbies when its all new and fresh and exciting, to the more younger and inexperienced but this is not the case not always. I had made a post recently regarding a sub making a rash and totally inappropriate declaration about her dominant and mouse made a comment in reply to that post which made me think about it from a different perspective, one that i hadnt considered and that of the responsiblitly of the dominant to correct and perhaps manage the subs train of thoughts..to keep them in check.
I would think this is managed through communication, the importance of the dominant knowing whats going through his subs head, no im not expecting them to be mind readers (things i call him in my head sometimes its bloody good he cant read minds!) but talking, listening which seems obvious but yet how often do you hear "he/she doesnt listen, not really listen" or "he/she doesnt like/want to talk about it" and im guilty of the latter.
Im digressing but the point is by talking and listening the dominant can be aware of how the sub is thinking and if he doesnt like a particular train of thought he can correct it, explaining why its not appropriate, this is not about brainwashing the sub to only think what the dominant thinks but rather to avoid the pitfulls of rash declarations like the "i will do anything...." etc.
Personally i tend to shy away from making the "my dominant is wanderful, do anything yadda yadda" type of posts (probably is more 'lovey dovey' stuff in the beginning when i started out) not because i think there is anything wrong with them but im just not good with being openly emotional in private together let alone in a public setting..but he knows how i feel and thats enough. Im probably a pessimist as well, seen too many public displays of affection and posts declaring love etc and then a year or less down the line the same things are being said by the same person to someone else so it sort of becomes jaded and meaningless.
oh but i do think he is wanderful..just so you know i do have a heart.
You would think this applies just to the newbies when its all new and fresh and exciting, to the more younger and inexperienced but this is not the case not always. I had made a post recently regarding a sub making a rash and totally inappropriate declaration about her dominant and mouse made a comment in reply to that post which made me think about it from a different perspective, one that i hadnt considered and that of the responsiblitly of the dominant to correct and perhaps manage the subs train of thoughts..to keep them in check.
I would think this is managed through communication, the importance of the dominant knowing whats going through his subs head, no im not expecting them to be mind readers (things i call him in my head sometimes its bloody good he cant read minds!) but talking, listening which seems obvious but yet how often do you hear "he/she doesnt listen, not really listen" or "he/she doesnt like/want to talk about it" and im guilty of the latter.
Im digressing but the point is by talking and listening the dominant can be aware of how the sub is thinking and if he doesnt like a particular train of thought he can correct it, explaining why its not appropriate, this is not about brainwashing the sub to only think what the dominant thinks but rather to avoid the pitfulls of rash declarations like the "i will do anything...." etc.
Personally i tend to shy away from making the "my dominant is wanderful, do anything yadda yadda" type of posts (probably is more 'lovey dovey' stuff in the beginning when i started out) not because i think there is anything wrong with them but im just not good with being openly emotional in private together let alone in a public setting..but he knows how i feel and thats enough. Im probably a pessimist as well, seen too many public displays of affection and posts declaring love etc and then a year or less down the line the same things are being said by the same person to someone else so it sort of becomes jaded and meaningless.
oh but i do think he is wanderful..just so you know i do have a heart.
Saturday, 23 June 2012
Vanilla tit bits
Fine 10 vanilla tit bits about me (as apparently i dont give a lot away about myself!) because really you do want to know (i know sarcasm is the lowest form of wit)
1. i am or rather was epileptic, i havent had a fit for nearly 10 years, i do find i am prone to panic attacks if i get myself worked up and stressed, im learning to control them and they dont happen so often
2. i have been banned from a local hotel for sneaking in with a bunch of mates and skinny dipping in their outside pool, i would love to say i had youth in my defence but it was recent enough that i should have known better...but boy it was fun!
3. i read a lot and tend to have 2 books on the go at any one time, 1 fiction and 1 non fiction, fiction i love thrillers and the classics, read all of Charles Dickens, and the Bronte sisters...love them however Rebbecca by Daphne du Maurier would be my favourite if i had to name one, non fiction i love history ancient and modern, autobiographes and biographies not of celebs though more real people if that makes sense.
4. scared of spiders and am yet to be concinced otherwise that their not evil creatures out to get me....enter my home and they get destroyed...handy tip..hairspray slows the creepy little critters down so you can destroy them...they MUST be destroyed
5. im terribly scatty and clumsy and have no sense of direction so prone to getting lost if somewhere i dont know...i need to be microchipped so im easily found apparently!
6. i work with children that have learning or/and behaviour problems, my job is very important to me, i love it
7. i never wanted children, i have 2, one planned, one not, and i love them to bits but the whole maternal instinct didnt come easily to me which some women find shocking when i admit that..but there it is..its out there!
8. i prefer the radio to the television, but i love going to the cinema and the theatre to watch live shows, The Phantom of the Opera being one of my favourites most of Andrew Lloyd Webbers shows are
9 im not a follower of fashion, i wear what makes me comfortable not whats 'in', but i admit to having a handbag problem...i have too many
10. i like answers to everything, i question why a lot, i guess what really intrigues me is why im like i am ie submissive and masochistic..i have too many questions and no definite answers
1. i am or rather was epileptic, i havent had a fit for nearly 10 years, i do find i am prone to panic attacks if i get myself worked up and stressed, im learning to control them and they dont happen so often
2. i have been banned from a local hotel for sneaking in with a bunch of mates and skinny dipping in their outside pool, i would love to say i had youth in my defence but it was recent enough that i should have known better...but boy it was fun!
3. i read a lot and tend to have 2 books on the go at any one time, 1 fiction and 1 non fiction, fiction i love thrillers and the classics, read all of Charles Dickens, and the Bronte sisters...love them however Rebbecca by Daphne du Maurier would be my favourite if i had to name one, non fiction i love history ancient and modern, autobiographes and biographies not of celebs though more real people if that makes sense.
4. scared of spiders and am yet to be concinced otherwise that their not evil creatures out to get me....enter my home and they get destroyed...handy tip..hairspray slows the creepy little critters down so you can destroy them...they MUST be destroyed
5. im terribly scatty and clumsy and have no sense of direction so prone to getting lost if somewhere i dont know...i need to be microchipped so im easily found apparently!
6. i work with children that have learning or/and behaviour problems, my job is very important to me, i love it
7. i never wanted children, i have 2, one planned, one not, and i love them to bits but the whole maternal instinct didnt come easily to me which some women find shocking when i admit that..but there it is..its out there!
8. i prefer the radio to the television, but i love going to the cinema and the theatre to watch live shows, The Phantom of the Opera being one of my favourites most of Andrew Lloyd Webbers shows are
9 im not a follower of fashion, i wear what makes me comfortable not whats 'in', but i admit to having a handbag problem...i have too many
10. i like answers to everything, i question why a lot, i guess what really intrigues me is why im like i am ie submissive and masochistic..i have too many questions and no definite answers
Friday, 22 June 2012
How long is a piece of string?
I have been asked by people "how much does it hurt" i have said it myself to people but its really one of those questions that does not have an exact answer, i have had a tattoo done and didnt find that painful but it depends on where its done, size, i have had 2 children both casareans (i cant give birth naturally) it was uncomfortable but i wouldnt say painful, i hate the dentist it hurts, i have had my legs waxed and screamed blue murder, i have stubbed my toe and cried like a baby....there are so many variables...but mostly in regards to s/m how can you define how much something hurts...you cant.
I do find it fascinating how people relate to pain in different ways, how much it varies depending on mood, and in a womens case time of the month, there does seem to be no constant, he can use the same implement on me one day and i will be fine, use it another day and i will struggle to cope with it, so it could hurt in a nice hurt way or a bad hurt way but i struggle to be more specific than that.
Its like the cane which tends to be one of those implements that is feared, but much like most implements its dependent on other factors, what type of cane, part of the body, how hard, warm-up, no warm-up but most of all where the persons headspace is both the person wielding it and the one recieving...and of course a persons level of pain tolerance. The cane is my most favourite implement, when allowed to choose i dont know why he asks because he knows i will choose it.
Given a choice between an over the knee spanking and a caning i would opt for the caning (more specifically a caning i like, he knows what i like) every time, people have said the cane hurts more but i would disagree, i find an over the knee spanking more distressing, humiliating and to me it hurts but this is more because of the way it makes me feel rather than it necessarily being really painful in comparision to other implements.
How much does it hurt? how long is a piece of string?
I do find it fascinating how people relate to pain in different ways, how much it varies depending on mood, and in a womens case time of the month, there does seem to be no constant, he can use the same implement on me one day and i will be fine, use it another day and i will struggle to cope with it, so it could hurt in a nice hurt way or a bad hurt way but i struggle to be more specific than that.
Its like the cane which tends to be one of those implements that is feared, but much like most implements its dependent on other factors, what type of cane, part of the body, how hard, warm-up, no warm-up but most of all where the persons headspace is both the person wielding it and the one recieving...and of course a persons level of pain tolerance. The cane is my most favourite implement, when allowed to choose i dont know why he asks because he knows i will choose it.
Given a choice between an over the knee spanking and a caning i would opt for the caning (more specifically a caning i like, he knows what i like) every time, people have said the cane hurts more but i would disagree, i find an over the knee spanking more distressing, humiliating and to me it hurts but this is more because of the way it makes me feel rather than it necessarily being really painful in comparision to other implements.
How much does it hurt? how long is a piece of string?
Thursday, 21 June 2012
Nothing nice to say?...say nothing
I was reading a post that a slave had made on a uk bdsm site which i used to contribute to but no longer do, for the reason being that in many ways it was like being back at school, the cliche groups, the bitching, my school days are long gone and i have no wish to re-visit them! but i got to know some nice people so i still occassionally check back in and those i got to know and like i keep in contact with via im and other mediums.
Anyway as i was reading this post i started cringing my thoughts being "you poor cow you are going to be ripped to shreds" and she was and i felt sorry for her, part of me wanted to comment not because i necessarily agreed with some of what she had written but to reason and debate the logic of some of the outright nasty comments that had been made already...but for the reasons already given and also i dont need nor want the drama i didnt.
So the post it was an open declaration of love for her Master which is nice, but it went on...i would do anything he asked, commit murder he if wanted, i love him more than my own son...the Master is married to someone else who is unaware of her existence. So yeah there were a few elements for people to pick up on which they did and subsequently went in for the kill....understand why i was cringing ?
I get how its easy to carried away with these relationships most especially in the beginning and consumed by the intensity of it all, been there done that but no i have not got the t shirt, i dont know and can only assume that the post was made in one of those moments, without real thought put into what was being said and the repurcussions of it...add a bit of naivety and well can we say been there done that again.
What i did find bewildering was the majority if not all the nasty comments and some were vicous attacks were made from submissives and slaves, now of course we are all human heck i can be a bit of a bitch at times but it was the lack of compassion and understanding that took me aback. We are not going to agree with everyone all of the time but it is possible to make constructive critisicm without the nastiness and if unable to do so simply dont comment at all...the comment i really wanted to make in response to all the vicous nasty ones was "your Masters must be so proud of how you conduct yourselves" but im pretty sure the sarcasm would have gone straight over their heads.
Anyway as i was reading this post i started cringing my thoughts being "you poor cow you are going to be ripped to shreds" and she was and i felt sorry for her, part of me wanted to comment not because i necessarily agreed with some of what she had written but to reason and debate the logic of some of the outright nasty comments that had been made already...but for the reasons already given and also i dont need nor want the drama i didnt.
So the post it was an open declaration of love for her Master which is nice, but it went on...i would do anything he asked, commit murder he if wanted, i love him more than my own son...the Master is married to someone else who is unaware of her existence. So yeah there were a few elements for people to pick up on which they did and subsequently went in for the kill....understand why i was cringing ?
I get how its easy to carried away with these relationships most especially in the beginning and consumed by the intensity of it all, been there done that but no i have not got the t shirt, i dont know and can only assume that the post was made in one of those moments, without real thought put into what was being said and the repurcussions of it...add a bit of naivety and well can we say been there done that again.
What i did find bewildering was the majority if not all the nasty comments and some were vicous attacks were made from submissives and slaves, now of course we are all human heck i can be a bit of a bitch at times but it was the lack of compassion and understanding that took me aback. We are not going to agree with everyone all of the time but it is possible to make constructive critisicm without the nastiness and if unable to do so simply dont comment at all...the comment i really wanted to make in response to all the vicous nasty ones was "your Masters must be so proud of how you conduct yourselves" but im pretty sure the sarcasm would have gone straight over their heads.
Tuesday, 19 June 2012
When they dont find it funny...dont provoke a sadist
The bossman has a habit of saying "uh hu" when im talking trivial shit or building up to what i believe is a good line of reason to get him to change his mind about something, it irritates the life out of me because its dismissive but i do chuckle, obviously if i have something important to say then i dont get that response. So today i replied to him in conversation with "uh hu" he was/is not amused, i meant it in a witty amusing way because he does it to me but it wasnt recieved in the way i intenteded...do as i say not as i do comes to mind....and oh yes i know all about that because being a parent i use that line to...but anyway he didnt find it funny, he considered it disrespectful.
It was minor, i have learnt to be careful about biting off more than i can chew.
I suspect many have read or perhaps even some have dared to taunt their dominant with those witty quips you know the ones like "you hit like a girl" or "have you started yet" etc etc i have read these and i have giggled but being a coward and having learnt a lesson in the past i dont say them not to the bossman.
He doesnt like bratty behaviour and those witty quips are what he would call being bratty, i call them amusing and perhaps playful or having fun, yes of course its knowing when its appropriate to have fun and when its not and that comes down i guess to knowing each other well enough to know where the line is drawn but even then sometimes what i find witty he clearly doesnt.
I dont cry easily not from pain alone, no im not some hard ass i cry more from emotions such as the times he has expressed his disappointment in me i inevitably end up in tears, i dont like him seeing me crying it makes me feel weak and vunerable although i have learnt that this is not the case, but it used to bug me that i seemed unable to cry from pain alone because im damn sure it hurt.
So in one of my finer moments (not) a long while back we was relaxed and talking and thinking myself clever and funny i passed comment that he couldnt make me cry, it was meant lightheartedly he took it as a challenge and i didnt intend it that way, or maybe i did, perhaps subconciously i was looking to 'play' but certainly was not meant in a provoking way.
He secured me to the cross and used a single tail on my back, i didnt get as far as 4 lashes and the tears were flowing..there was no 5th mission was accomplished, at that point in our relationship it was well beyond what i could handle up to then he had just used floggers building my tolerance level up and up and he had never used that whip before on me full stop.....i cant say im too fond of it now either.
I dont think its wise to provoke a sadist in general, they enjoy pushing the boundries, the limits, seeing the distress, the tears, hearing the begging to stop if anything it compels them more... im not saying this implies to all.
It was minor, i have learnt to be careful about biting off more than i can chew.
I suspect many have read or perhaps even some have dared to taunt their dominant with those witty quips you know the ones like "you hit like a girl" or "have you started yet" etc etc i have read these and i have giggled but being a coward and having learnt a lesson in the past i dont say them not to the bossman.
He doesnt like bratty behaviour and those witty quips are what he would call being bratty, i call them amusing and perhaps playful or having fun, yes of course its knowing when its appropriate to have fun and when its not and that comes down i guess to knowing each other well enough to know where the line is drawn but even then sometimes what i find witty he clearly doesnt.
I dont cry easily not from pain alone, no im not some hard ass i cry more from emotions such as the times he has expressed his disappointment in me i inevitably end up in tears, i dont like him seeing me crying it makes me feel weak and vunerable although i have learnt that this is not the case, but it used to bug me that i seemed unable to cry from pain alone because im damn sure it hurt.
So in one of my finer moments (not) a long while back we was relaxed and talking and thinking myself clever and funny i passed comment that he couldnt make me cry, it was meant lightheartedly he took it as a challenge and i didnt intend it that way, or maybe i did, perhaps subconciously i was looking to 'play' but certainly was not meant in a provoking way.
He secured me to the cross and used a single tail on my back, i didnt get as far as 4 lashes and the tears were flowing..there was no 5th mission was accomplished, at that point in our relationship it was well beyond what i could handle up to then he had just used floggers building my tolerance level up and up and he had never used that whip before on me full stop.....i cant say im too fond of it now either.
I dont think its wise to provoke a sadist in general, they enjoy pushing the boundries, the limits, seeing the distress, the tears, hearing the begging to stop if anything it compels them more... im not saying this implies to all.
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