I have been wandering about epilators (anyone use them?), at the moment i use just good old razor and shaving cream but its such a pain having to keep on top of it all the time. I tried waxing and it bloody hurts and not in a way thats nice, although that was many years ago so perhaps its not so bad now but the truth is im a wimp so im too scared to go and find out.
He likes me clean shaven...everywhere i have tried to let him let me have hair down there but the man just wont budge...its not to my taste i would like some, i wouldnt want to go completley natural because i dont like that either but i dont think the word compromise is in his vocabulary strangely enough. If its not done properley he will get the tweezers out and ouch need to avoid that although it could be worse in one of my defiant moments of saying i wouldnt do it he threatened to sew my lips together (not the ones on my face) and being a man that doesnt make idle threats..yep i always shave.
So eplilators im considering it, but there pricey and i dont want to spend money on something that is not really good at its purpose and it hurts, some people say its fine, some people say they are useless....i dont know maybe i should just stick with the razor....i just want a quick soloution.
Monday, 18 June 2012
Friday, 15 June 2012
Answers on a postcard.
I am conflicted about calling myself a slave, i used to a lot but i was naive and caught up in the romance of what it meant, now, well now i have a clearer understanding and im unsure of what it means to me, i know what it means to my Master and the expectations that go with that and so i work, we both work to his expectations, its led me to questioning why its seen as acceptable to give everything that you are to your owner but yet retain responsibility for yourself.
If your going down the route of internal enslavement or consenual slavery that requires a lot, much much more than just blindly following instructions and having your ass beaten, you are essentially putting all your trust, decisions, choices etc in your owners hands...so does this not include responsibility of ones self? if thats the case wouldnt the slave be holding back from her owner by retaining her own responsibilty?
I dont mean being responsible for cleaning the house, cooking dinner, being competent at work etc, its deeper than that, i mean emotional, mental and physical responsibility, because on the journey to consensual slavery all these emotions, feelings are in direct relation to the internal enslavement.
Its scary to go down this road and its a long long road not a quick walk around the block, it means the slave being open and vunerable to the owners decisions, choices, this does not mean being weak or being a doormat and certainly not some brain dead robot! the slave is still capable of making an opinion, a choice, decision but is content to have them made for her in a healthy M/s dynamic....key word healthy!
So im back to wandering about being responsible, how can a slave retain personal responsibility when everything she is is her owners? when he has made the decisions, choices?
If your going down the route of internal enslavement or consenual slavery that requires a lot, much much more than just blindly following instructions and having your ass beaten, you are essentially putting all your trust, decisions, choices etc in your owners hands...so does this not include responsibility of ones self? if thats the case wouldnt the slave be holding back from her owner by retaining her own responsibilty?
I dont mean being responsible for cleaning the house, cooking dinner, being competent at work etc, its deeper than that, i mean emotional, mental and physical responsibility, because on the journey to consensual slavery all these emotions, feelings are in direct relation to the internal enslavement.
Its scary to go down this road and its a long long road not a quick walk around the block, it means the slave being open and vunerable to the owners decisions, choices, this does not mean being weak or being a doormat and certainly not some brain dead robot! the slave is still capable of making an opinion, a choice, decision but is content to have them made for her in a healthy M/s dynamic....key word healthy!
So im back to wandering about being responsible, how can a slave retain personal responsibility when everything she is is her owners? when he has made the decisions, choices?
Tuesday, 12 June 2012
Recycling
At this moment i feel like everything here ie the blog is just recycling over and over the same thing, same emotions, same struggles just one big huge circle. I like my blog i do, didnt at first it wasnt my idea, i didnt set it up and i sure as hell didnt see the point. Ok yes i obviously came round to the idea and i see its benefits, i can ramble away to my hearts content and even if i dont think im giving too much away i do or he does think so should i say....so its insightful for him apparently.....(so if you do take it all in how about that beating i asked for yesterday?) soon yes i know soon...but whens bloody soon!
Im more of a listener than a big conversationalist believe it or not! and sometimes like at the moment im happy to just listen or in blogger land read what others have to say, i like hearing different views and opinions whether i agree with them or not...im just not feeling i have much to say.....it will pass no doubt, im just in a melancholy kind of mood.
Im more of a listener than a big conversationalist believe it or not! and sometimes like at the moment im happy to just listen or in blogger land read what others have to say, i like hearing different views and opinions whether i agree with them or not...im just not feeling i have much to say.....it will pass no doubt, im just in a melancholy kind of mood.
Monday, 11 June 2012
Boring obedience
My mate suggested to me that it must get pretty boring having to do as im told all the time, and i guess i can sort of understand how it can be seen that way, of course the key word is 'having' i dont have to, i want to coz well i like being controlled and dominated. Im not missgoodytwoshoes i have my moments..the drastic hair cut comes to mind! but yea i guess you could say that the majority of the time i am good and i strive to be.
I know the bossman can come accross as being really strict and set in his ways and thats because he is, but i need and want this it provides me with security and i know where the boundries are, if i choose to cross those boundries im also fully aware of the consequences...and he is very hot on the "actions have consequences" theme. Punishments arent nice, there not meant to be, but i need them and accept them when they occur because for me i need it to restore the balance if you will, to have a clean slate, they are not given on a whim and its generally when i have been deliberatly disobedient or behaved in a way that is not pleasing and i should have known better.
Thankfully i dont get punished very often, certainly not at much as i used to in the beginning..so thats progress right? i guess because he is set in his ways and carries through on what he says im under no illusions of what behaviour is acceptable and what isnt.
Thats not to say its a piece of cake it isnt, sometimes i think his decisions are completley unreasonable and i will say as much, sometimes albeit very rarely he will reconsider after listening to what i have to say but if his mind is made up there is no budging the man....it will be as he said...this can be annoying, frustrating and bloody antagonising but i know where i stand....mouse's suitcase situation came to mind as i typed that.
He likes obedience..i know what a revelation..a dominant man liking obedience!, so he doesnt find it boring me doing as im told all (ok most) of the time, he likes things to fit into place..including me..does this make him sound stuffy like? yes i guess it does but another way of looking at it is he is a man that knows what he likes and wants and how he wants it done.....he likes control and order....oooh another revelation.
He doesnt like his authority being challenged or dictated it shouldnt need to be because by now control is firmly established through the build up of trust, consistency and having those boundries in place...this doesnt mean i dont struggle against it because i do on occassions.
Im not making a good argument in defence of why it isnt boring..but i guess you will either get it or you wont. Not that i explained all this to the friend because its well not easy to explain, im not even sure i actually achieved any sort of explanation..much like many of my posts they go off on a tangent.
ETA by no means is the bossman perfect and im certainly not, sometimes unexpected change occurs which is out of either or both of our control, everyone is prone to mistakes, errors in judgement.
I know the bossman can come accross as being really strict and set in his ways and thats because he is, but i need and want this it provides me with security and i know where the boundries are, if i choose to cross those boundries im also fully aware of the consequences...and he is very hot on the "actions have consequences" theme. Punishments arent nice, there not meant to be, but i need them and accept them when they occur because for me i need it to restore the balance if you will, to have a clean slate, they are not given on a whim and its generally when i have been deliberatly disobedient or behaved in a way that is not pleasing and i should have known better.
Thankfully i dont get punished very often, certainly not at much as i used to in the beginning..so thats progress right? i guess because he is set in his ways and carries through on what he says im under no illusions of what behaviour is acceptable and what isnt.
Thats not to say its a piece of cake it isnt, sometimes i think his decisions are completley unreasonable and i will say as much, sometimes albeit very rarely he will reconsider after listening to what i have to say but if his mind is made up there is no budging the man....it will be as he said...this can be annoying, frustrating and bloody antagonising but i know where i stand....mouse's suitcase situation came to mind as i typed that.
He likes obedience..i know what a revelation..a dominant man liking obedience!, so he doesnt find it boring me doing as im told all (ok most) of the time, he likes things to fit into place..including me..does this make him sound stuffy like? yes i guess it does but another way of looking at it is he is a man that knows what he likes and wants and how he wants it done.....he likes control and order....oooh another revelation.
He doesnt like his authority being challenged or dictated it shouldnt need to be because by now control is firmly established through the build up of trust, consistency and having those boundries in place...this doesnt mean i dont struggle against it because i do on occassions.
Im not making a good argument in defence of why it isnt boring..but i guess you will either get it or you wont. Not that i explained all this to the friend because its well not easy to explain, im not even sure i actually achieved any sort of explanation..much like many of my posts they go off on a tangent.
ETA by no means is the bossman perfect and im certainly not, sometimes unexpected change occurs which is out of either or both of our control, everyone is prone to mistakes, errors in judgement.
Thursday, 7 June 2012
Through rose tinted glasses
My first D/s relationship didnt last very long approximatley 18 months roundabout, the very fact that it was my first was what made it exciting because it was all new, i put him on a pedestal because i was in awe of him and i was discovering my submission and new found pleasures. I had nothing to compare to being as i was inexperienced so i held onto the belief that everything was as it should be, i had nagging doubts as time went on but i figured this was because i was new and it would get better as i improved.
Now by no means was he a cruel man and i certainly dont want it to come accross as him being abusive he wasnt. He would constantly criticise me and tell me how lucky i was that he was putting up with me and i should be grateful...i would try harder, constantly seeking his approval which never came, but because i felt grateful for being able to experience D/s and all that this encompassed i figured that it was me that i just wasnt being good enough. I was enjoying for the most part the physical experiences but emotionally he didnt make me feel good about myself..he introduced me to a fair few experiences and for that im grateful but he also battered my self esteem.
There are few reasons that brought us to a conclusion and ironically one of them was i outgrew him, and i dont mean that to come accross as arrogant and big headed because thats not the intention but perhaps more apt is we were not compatible in the long run.....the experiences he gave me were eye openers, they gave me a taste and yet i wanted more, more than he felt comfortable with. More specifically within s/m once it became apparent that i enjoyed pain i would seek out to go further and experiment more and he wasnt sadistic, it built up a lot of frustration because he wouldnt go further when i wanted to..im not saying this makes him wrong or me wrong we just didnt fit.
The other big impact which caused further problems was it became apparent that he was a switch, again nothing wrong with this at all but personally it was a problem for me, i wanted someone to dominate me completley, not someone that wanted to be dominated as well..i know it works for some and by no means am i suggesting it cant but i knew its not what i needed.
So it came to an end, i would like to say amicably but it wasnt, i remember one of his parting comments was along the lines of calling me an ungrateful bitch. I didnt feel much sadness at it coming to end by the time it had all started heading that way the doubts in my head were already planted, i began to realise that it wasnt really D/s not in a good way, again not that it was abusive but emotionally it wasnt healthy...i realised the way he made me feel wasnt how i should be feeling....i let myself get carried away that it was as it should be because i was so desperate to experience.
Were there good times? yes but can i pick one out of my head at this moment no. Im thankful to him for introducing me to a lot and making me realise that i am submissive and what i was feeling and those needs i had were real and not fantasy in my head.
Now by no means was he a cruel man and i certainly dont want it to come accross as him being abusive he wasnt. He would constantly criticise me and tell me how lucky i was that he was putting up with me and i should be grateful...i would try harder, constantly seeking his approval which never came, but because i felt grateful for being able to experience D/s and all that this encompassed i figured that it was me that i just wasnt being good enough. I was enjoying for the most part the physical experiences but emotionally he didnt make me feel good about myself..he introduced me to a fair few experiences and for that im grateful but he also battered my self esteem.
There are few reasons that brought us to a conclusion and ironically one of them was i outgrew him, and i dont mean that to come accross as arrogant and big headed because thats not the intention but perhaps more apt is we were not compatible in the long run.....the experiences he gave me were eye openers, they gave me a taste and yet i wanted more, more than he felt comfortable with. More specifically within s/m once it became apparent that i enjoyed pain i would seek out to go further and experiment more and he wasnt sadistic, it built up a lot of frustration because he wouldnt go further when i wanted to..im not saying this makes him wrong or me wrong we just didnt fit.
The other big impact which caused further problems was it became apparent that he was a switch, again nothing wrong with this at all but personally it was a problem for me, i wanted someone to dominate me completley, not someone that wanted to be dominated as well..i know it works for some and by no means am i suggesting it cant but i knew its not what i needed.
So it came to an end, i would like to say amicably but it wasnt, i remember one of his parting comments was along the lines of calling me an ungrateful bitch. I didnt feel much sadness at it coming to end by the time it had all started heading that way the doubts in my head were already planted, i began to realise that it wasnt really D/s not in a good way, again not that it was abusive but emotionally it wasnt healthy...i realised the way he made me feel wasnt how i should be feeling....i let myself get carried away that it was as it should be because i was so desperate to experience.
Were there good times? yes but can i pick one out of my head at this moment no. Im thankful to him for introducing me to a lot and making me realise that i am submissive and what i was feeling and those needs i had were real and not fantasy in my head.
Tuesday, 5 June 2012
Guilty time out
Its been a really busy weekend which has carried on through to Monday and today being as its the huge celebration of the Queens jubilee, so im just looking forward to getting kids to bed and having a glass (or 2 or 3) of wine. We had a huge party in the school sports field thankfully the weather co-operated, i got lumbered with doing 4 hours of face painting due to someone being sick....art is not my thing but the children were happy and thats all that mattered.
I have been to church as my daughter was playing the flute in the service, attended 2 street parties with my daughter with the guides then the drama group she attends, took my children to see a beacon being lit up high on a field out out of town, sat through my sons rugby tournment in the pouring rain, went with my mum to her retirement dinner and had my nephew to stay one night as he left home after arguing with my brother.....its been a long tiring, stressful long weekend mostly doing for others...so why do i feel guilty today just wanting me time.
Sometimes i would love an 'off' button just occassionally....so i will settle for just a few hours of time out.
I have been to church as my daughter was playing the flute in the service, attended 2 street parties with my daughter with the guides then the drama group she attends, took my children to see a beacon being lit up high on a field out out of town, sat through my sons rugby tournment in the pouring rain, went with my mum to her retirement dinner and had my nephew to stay one night as he left home after arguing with my brother.....its been a long tiring, stressful long weekend mostly doing for others...so why do i feel guilty today just wanting me time.
Sometimes i would love an 'off' button just occassionally....so i will settle for just a few hours of time out.
Saturday, 2 June 2012
Subjugation
Since reading mouse's post http://aslavestale.blogspot.co.uk/2012/05/sweetest-hmm-pet-in-world.html i have been pondering over subjugation, i had heard of the word but couldnt give an explanation for what it meant so i had to google it and taken from the Oxford English dictionary: to bring under control or domination, especially by conquest, to make someone subordinate to.....
To be honest on reading this definition my first thoughts were along the lines of being similar to a wild animal that needs taming, to be broken in, which hmm could fit with being submissive and being controlled and dominated and the struggle it can be at times. Then i pondered the element of being conquered, should i need to be conquered? if he has to make me subordinate and submit that brings me to ask more questions.... but its much more than that which has led me to really thinking about it and trying to get a better sense of the term and its relation to M/s if it fits, i suppose ultimatley its dependent on whether it fits for you.
What i could relate to is mouse's comment of
"These feelings of being, for lack of a better term, subjugated or made to submit was where mouse really got off. It's important to say, mouse trusts him so thoroughly and deep down knows he'd never do anything to diminish that. Feeling free while bound -- the freedom of the ropes, being bereft of choice and of voice is just bliss."
In particular its the phrasing of being made to submit that i have questioned myself because one thing i do get off on (to use mouses's term which is just so apt) is being made to do something i dont like or i dont want to do and i have struggled with this because surely if im submissive i shouldnt have to be made to submit? I think perhaps when saying "being made to" it conjures up images of possible brutal physical force being used, against ones consent, which could give negative connatations.
When i say "being made to submit" its more about not having a choice in the matter which is what turns me on a lot rather than it becoming a confrontational stand off each and every time although there have been a few of them over the years but on those occassions the end result has been that i have eventually submitted to whatever caused the confrontation....it may mean he has to rethink how he has gone about it and perhaps take more time in adjusting me to whatever i was resisting but nevertheless ultimatley he does get the end result he wanted, i dont get let off the hook...he i guess yes conquers.
It doesnt need to be something really heavy, for example i dont like having to lick his cum when he has cum (i have no objections to drinking straight from the source) but if i have wanked him off i dont like cleaning it up afterwards (the man eats too many currys!). However although i dont like the actual act i am turned on by the fact that i have to do it when instructed to..i have no choice. Of course there are other areas which are more heavy but the feelings of lack of choice are the same regardless of the act itself. I find it comforting and it gives me security that these choices are taken away from me, it emphasis my status a status that im happy with..submitting to his will.
So as i have been having all these thoughts swirling around i can see how subjugation is an apt description, it implies lack of choice physically and verbally which is what i, we like in our relationship.
I can understand how perhaps to some this could be seen as going against my consent, most especially in the context of having to do things i dont like or dont want to do, but that leads to the murky waters of consensual non consent which i have my opinions on but im not going there, it needs to be assummed that i am in a healthy M/s dynamic and i am.
Thanks to mouse for giving these me ideas/thoughts and being able to make a little bit more sense of them.
To be honest on reading this definition my first thoughts were along the lines of being similar to a wild animal that needs taming, to be broken in, which hmm could fit with being submissive and being controlled and dominated and the struggle it can be at times. Then i pondered the element of being conquered, should i need to be conquered? if he has to make me subordinate and submit that brings me to ask more questions.... but its much more than that which has led me to really thinking about it and trying to get a better sense of the term and its relation to M/s if it fits, i suppose ultimatley its dependent on whether it fits for you.
What i could relate to is mouse's comment of
"These feelings of being, for lack of a better term, subjugated or made to submit was where mouse really got off. It's important to say, mouse trusts him so thoroughly and deep down knows he'd never do anything to diminish that. Feeling free while bound -- the freedom of the ropes, being bereft of choice and of voice is just bliss."
In particular its the phrasing of being made to submit that i have questioned myself because one thing i do get off on (to use mouses's term which is just so apt) is being made to do something i dont like or i dont want to do and i have struggled with this because surely if im submissive i shouldnt have to be made to submit? I think perhaps when saying "being made to" it conjures up images of possible brutal physical force being used, against ones consent, which could give negative connatations.
When i say "being made to submit" its more about not having a choice in the matter which is what turns me on a lot rather than it becoming a confrontational stand off each and every time although there have been a few of them over the years but on those occassions the end result has been that i have eventually submitted to whatever caused the confrontation....it may mean he has to rethink how he has gone about it and perhaps take more time in adjusting me to whatever i was resisting but nevertheless ultimatley he does get the end result he wanted, i dont get let off the hook...he i guess yes conquers.
It doesnt need to be something really heavy, for example i dont like having to lick his cum when he has cum (i have no objections to drinking straight from the source) but if i have wanked him off i dont like cleaning it up afterwards (the man eats too many currys!). However although i dont like the actual act i am turned on by the fact that i have to do it when instructed to..i have no choice. Of course there are other areas which are more heavy but the feelings of lack of choice are the same regardless of the act itself. I find it comforting and it gives me security that these choices are taken away from me, it emphasis my status a status that im happy with..submitting to his will.
So as i have been having all these thoughts swirling around i can see how subjugation is an apt description, it implies lack of choice physically and verbally which is what i, we like in our relationship.
I can understand how perhaps to some this could be seen as going against my consent, most especially in the context of having to do things i dont like or dont want to do, but that leads to the murky waters of consensual non consent which i have my opinions on but im not going there, it needs to be assummed that i am in a healthy M/s dynamic and i am.
Thanks to mouse for giving these me ideas/thoughts and being able to make a little bit more sense of them.
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