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"I don't mind you showing initiative" he said.

So I have been, perhaps pushing my luck a bit, I think he might be regretting saying those words, give me an inch I will take a mile.

But the thing is, I am crap at showing initiative, well, to be more specific in the bedroom that is.

I know what he likes, and I stick to what I know, I rarely, and I mean really rarely, can probably count on one hand the amount of times I have initiated sex and to a certain extent took the lead, I suppose in doing so, pushes me out of my comfort zone.

He said I could choose one thing I would like him to do to me, and one thing I would like to do to him (within reason), it's funny how I bet that within reason is more restricted on what I would like to do him!

I chose wax for myself, we haven't played with wax for a long time, and I can't even remember if I like it or not, well, it depends on where the wax is going really.

I had to ponder, for a long while, on what I would like to do to him, because I already do what I like to do him...it's in my comfort zone, I know he likes it!

So I thought, ice, ice would be interesting, on him, had it on myself, could be fun!

I told him what my choices were and he was fine with that...good start!

He said "wax on your pussy will be interesting" in a taunting sort of way.

to which I replied "ice up your ass will be interesting too...you know, just showing some initiative"

Yea, I think he is regretting those words.

PS

It's obvious I suppose, that I have really been struggling with keeping this blog going, and yet I miss it, so that should give me the kick up the ass that I need, anyway clearly I needed a harder ass kicking and I got one!

Back to normal....ish/ooh and a bit of kink

The holidays are over, daughter is back to school today, although I have yet to understand the point of going back on a Friday! my son, having got the results he needed is off to uni in 2 weeks, so it's been a really hectic last couple of weeks, getting prepared for that, but mostly just spending time all together, which has been lovely.

But it's nice to get back into some sort of routine, more time to get back to blogging more regularly, i hate to think how long it's been since a kink post!

I shall rectify that right now :)

Well, more of an observation/reflection really.

A friend of mine, and her husband decided to try swinging, way back earlier in the year and really enjoyed the experiences, and are well into it now, and we have had some laughs as she describes some of the encounters, but, getting to the point, she was taken aback when I said it was something I had no interest in.

"but your kinky" she exclaimed!!!

*sigh*

Why is it, it is often assumed that being kinky must mean 'up for anything', screwing different men, whether I know them or not, is not something that appeals to me at all, not that i have anything against it, it just does not interest me.

I have not had sex with another man, since being with Master, i prefer to be monogamous, that does not mean that he has to be, although he has not had sex with any other woman, he could and I would have to deal with it, would I like it? well that's another matter entirely.

I have reflected on this a fair bit, going from completely against it, to the point that should he decide that's what he wanted, to have sex with another, I would have to think very carefully if I could continue as we are to am i a failure as a slave for thinking that?  because surely my focus should be on that it gives him pleasure?  but at what expense?

Then the other part of me, the part i hate, but i have to admit its there, the thought of it appeals to my emotional masochistic side, i would have/need to know every detail, and that very thought turns me on, because i wouldnt want to watch, or even to participate, but to be blindfolded in the same room, to hear...fuck yes!

Did I say that?

Yes, yes, I have been neglectful, and I do have valid reasons, ok that might be a lie lol

Did I once say that I couldn't be assed with Fetlife?  I believe I did, well....

I found a group via the feed, that ancilla ksst joined, so I thought...oh that sounds interesting, I shall go and check it out.

I loved it, it's different than the other groups I had joined, interesting topics, varied topics, one's that make me think, and it was, is friendly, so I found myself contributing there more, I even started a thread, something I did not and would not feel comfortable doing in the other groups, I rarely go near the other groups now.

Anyway, the group, yes, is Dharma goes deeper, if your on Fet and fancy checking it out.

Well, the group owner asked if I would like to be a mod there, which came as a shock, but a welcome one, and it's great, it's friendly, I am really comfortable there, so umm yeah that's one of my valid reasons....a good one though!

But I am aware that I have been neglecting here, did I not say that in the last post? yeah I think I did.

I shall give myself a slap.

Did I also say a while back that I was not ready to get another dog?  yes, well, on Sunday I went out to a rescue centre not with the intention of getting a dog, and came home with one, he is a 10 month old shih tzu cross jack russell...odd combination, called Charlie and he is gorgeous.

I also said Master is really busy.....nothing has changed there.

Just rambling

It's summer, well, it's meant to be, the UK, well where I am, must be behind in getting that message, as I sit here looking out the window at the grey skies and rain falling down.

It's been a busy couple of weeks, mostly centred around sorting out things to do with my son starting uni in September, just have to wait now for his exam results to come in, later in August, fingers crossed he gets the grades he needs, he is getting worked up about it, which is making me get anxious for him.

Master is busy, nothing new there, well yes there is, he is more busy than usual, which I didn't think was possible!

I am doing ok with managing myself, in the respect of not acting out, which had tended to be a pattern, he would be super busy, I would feel neglected and that would lead to me behaving in a way I know I shouldnt, because then I would get his attention, and I would figure that negative attention is better than none at all.

But I am doing ok, it's taken a lot of years to change that pattern,....im a slow learner!

I did have a wobble at the weekend, where I started to panic that he didn't want me anymore, I can't really identify where those thoughts come from, being insecure in myself i suspect being the main reason, when he is distracted with work, i have too much time to myself, to dwell on things, and yeah over think.

As soon as I get reassurance from him, im fine again, but i hate that i get needy like that, i need to get back into blogging more regularly, commenting and writing more, i miss it.

Whatever

He said something this morning, that as per usual i have been dwelling on ever since.

"can you honestly say there isnt anything you wouldnt do if I asked you?"

to which my reply was...i dont know, because its hard to know for sure until actually confronted with whatever it might be, so i dont know.

His response was "I think you do"

It was left like that, i wanted to say...well there was that once when i couldnt do what you asked, but i have since done it, so that would have been pointless.

Its been on my mind, should my automatic response been yes?  or am i hiding behind the i dont know because i dont want to admit its a yes?

I know he would not ask anything of me that was detrimental in any way, to me, to us, so its got me exploring the whole concept of 'anything'

There are most certainly things that i have no wish to do, reasoning's varying from it simply doesnt appeal to me, to a simple i dont want to at all, and i will not like you very much if you make do them.

But the counter-argument to that is

1) being his slave, there is the understanding that it will involve submitting to things that dont appeal to me, because i do already

2)  the same applies to that which i dont want

3)  he couldnt care less whether i like him or not so long as i obey, because i do love the grumpy git even when i dislike him

4)  i know, as does he that i get off on being made to do things i dont want to do

So, it could be argued that therefore i will do whatever he asks of me, and perhaps im in denial but i still think its subject to what that anything is.

So, i wrote this with the intention of having a clear resolution, but only succeeded in getting back to square one!

Well, i got to it eventually

Sorry, gosh im doing a lot of apologising lately!

"Why can't there be equality in ttwd?  he is no better than because he is my dom"

Equality, dictionary definition, for the sake of argument:

"The state of being equal, especially in status, rights or opportunities."

He is my Master, and i am his slave, and to kill two birds with one stone about being 'better' no, i dont believe he is better than me because he is dominant and my Master, back to the matter of equality..

I believe everyone is born equal, regardless of whether they be dominant, slave, sub, princess, their race, their nationality, their sexuality etc etc.

However in respect of him being my Master, i do not consider myself equal in status to him, but only him, as two people yes, but we are two people in a dynamic that by definition of using Master and slave implies inequality.

I have rights, but certainly not as many as he does, i have the right to expect to be kept safe, to have my basic needs met, and as this is all based on consent, i have the right to withdraw that consent although that has never been an issue, and if it were it would have serious impact on our relationship.

Can there be equality in ttwd?  I admit im struggling to say yes in the respect of there being total equality, so its easier for me to say how it is for us, if anyone has a view that there can be, i would be interested in hearing it.

He has authority over me, i do not over him, and that is the simple way of looking at it,i could go into all the very many ways he has authority over me, but that statement alone should be enough.

I am quite content in it being this way, i wouldnt want to be his equal, besides that i get off on the whole idea of being beneath him and that his wants and needs come before mine..but thats a whole other subject, which if i go into, this post will turn into an essay :)

Bringing out the worst

A week or so ago, maybe longer, time just flies! there was a thread on Fetlife, that I contributed to, it started out very simply about dining out, it escalated into the appropriateness of exposing others to the life we lead.

I stated my opinion at various points, eventually i had to walk away from it, it was just getting ridiculous, but mostly i stepped away because i didnt like myself very much, in fact, on reflecting on it further, i was ashamed of myself for various reasons..

Although i stand by my opinions, i could have expressed them without being snide or bitchy, reading back through them thats how i came across, and i didnt like that side of me, and im pretty sure if Master was to read them he wouldnt be too impressed either...and i do care about how he thinks of me and how i behave.

I lost sight of what i have always been so defencive about, and that is respecting another persons opinion, even though i disagree with it, and perhaps strongly so, as this was the case, one should still be able to make their point without it getting nasty, looking back through that thread, it was no different from playground bullying tactics, that i allowed myself to be a part of that, well im not proud of myself.

So i made myself a Fetlife rule/or in general an online rule..

if i cant say anything nice or positive to anyone, dont say anything at all, because it is possible to disagree with someone without it needing to be nasty in any form.

Last night i was reading a thread, and it left me feeling appalled, a girl of 18, new to ttwd posted a question, within it she said she understood that "not all submissives are slaves but all slaves are submissive" something she had read somewhere or heard.

Very quickly she was jumped on for making a generalised statement, now dont get me wrong, one of my pet hates is people saying a slave etc must/should be xyz, and it doesnt go down to well when people make them.

But rather than giving a polite response most, not all people focused on that one statement and tore her to shreds, she got defencive, and i dont bloody blame her at all, although she would have been better off ignoring them.

But you know what, she is 18, new...ffs, it seems that when it comes to the internet and how people treat one another, common decency goes out the bloody window, its like its ok to be rude, bitchy etc because its words on a screen.

I fell into that, it brought out the worst of me, not a pleasant sight at all, and its made me question myself, but most of all reminding myself..to treat others how i would like to be treated.